Sunday, April 13, 2014

Ode To a Walmart Greeter

All due respect to Wal Mart Greeters around the world but if you ever walk into a Wal Mart and I’m there greeting you, take me out to the parking lot and back over me.  Assume that I’m being held hostage and I’m being made to sing that freaking Wal Mart rah rah cheer song in the morning.  I thought that was a rumor when I first heard about it but I got into a Wal Mart early one morning and they actually make their staff sing that asinine song.  I cannot believe that it does not breach some human rights legislation. 

Greeters don’t actually greet customers any’s their entire job description -  it’s right in the title, it’s their only task – greet the customers.  They might notice you, they might glance in your direction but rarely do they actually acknowledge you.  If you are bringing in a returned item, they are apparently obliged to tag the bag and instruct you to go directly to customer service.  That’s it – a really short list of responsibilities.  I guess Wal Mart “I might notice if you come in the store” person doesn’t carry the same cachet as Wal Mart Greeter so it’s just easier to refer to them as greeters.  I was in Wal Mart yesterday trying to free one of the shopping carts from the herd that was apparently welded together within about 4 feet of a handy dandy Wal Mart Greeter.  As I struggled and the greeter watched, I was thinking wouldn’t it be handy if you were a Wal Mart Cart Separator….but that probably requires training and skills you just don’t have so you just sit there while I pry these apart.  And... she did.  In her defence, I guess someone has to carefully guard that pocket full of return stickers for people who bought the wrong crap and need to return it for other crap. 

One of the saddest things I think I’ve ever seen was a severely handicapped Wal Mart Greeter - a young man curled up in the fetal position in his wheelchair and parked near the door.  Now, before you get all offended about this particular observation, I am all for people with serious physical challenges making their contribution to society.  But there was something inherently wrong with slapping a vest on this individual, rolling him over and parking him near the door first thing in the morning and then retrieving him at the end of the day.  If I have a return, am I supposed to reach into his pocket for a sticker?  I just want to be clear on this; I don’t want to be explaining this particular maneuver to management...think maybe I’ll just keep the crap I bought and avoid a fiasco.  I worried about him, what happens if they forget him there – he can’t roll away, he can’t call for help.  I hope someone’s checklist of responsibilities includes retrieving the Greeter or he’s screwed. 

In the grand scheme of things, I’m adding “if you ever find me greeting customers at Wal Mart” to the list of things for which I want to be euthanized.  It’s probably going to require something more legally substantial than a blog post to make this happen, but this is a start.

There are 4 more situations on the list so far:

If I utter the phrase “let’s go to bingo”.
Sitting on a bench in the mall discussing bowel movements.
If I start drawing my eyebrows on with a thick black marker a good half inch above their natural location.
Talking incessantly about cats. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love cats but I sat down at a meeting the other night and a board member seated beside me who I’d never met before rambled on about her cats for a good half hour.  This is an educated, professional woman ….a lawyer if I’m not mistaken...and on an evening out, the best she can come up with for conversation is an intensely detailed account of her cats that included impersonations and psychoanalytical play by plays.  Behind closed doors you are welcome to enjoy whatever relationship with your cats the law allows...but leave it at home - no one will ever love, appreciate or understand your cats the way you do and that’s just the way the world works.

But, I digress...where was I? Ah, yes…Wal Mart Greeter...I think my work here is done.

~~~ the nasty wench~~~


  1. there are only two rational reasons (and I can't stress this enough) for walking into a WallyMart... one is akin to visiting a nature preserve, although instead going to see wildlife in their natural habitat, you're going to visit WallMartians in their natural habitat, and the other reason is for a rousing round or six of WalMart BINGO... anything else and you should be assessed for sanity issues...

  2. please to explain this WalMart BINGO..........although I'm a wee bit terrified of anything that combines WalMart with BINGO......2 of my "pull the plug" directives....